90. Mary Help of Christians (CLOSED/Demolished)

NOTE: I haven't visited here in awhile, but it does seem this church is closed, having it's last Mass celebrated in 2012, some of it's remnants and parishioners moving to Immaculate Conception Church. Here are a few articles regarding it's closure:

Slideshow: Last Mass at Mary Help of Christians Church
Demolishing the 96-year-old Mary Help of Christians Catholic Church
This 7-Story Building Is Replacing Mary Help Of Christians 
Mapping 26 NYC Houses of Worship Being Replaced By Condos

Please let me know in the comments below anything else you know about the fate of this church and if there are any vigils or services ever held outside the steps or around here. Thanks!

(church info last updated 03/23/2016)
Address: 440 E. 12 St.
Phone: 212.254.0058; Immaculate Conception: 212.254.0200
Links:
"The Church Ladies" (New York Times)
Praying Outside Shuttered Doors
"Prayerful march to save what's left of East Village's churches" (The Villager)
About Mary Help of Christians

THIRD SUNDAY OF LENT

Traveling slowly (so many missed/nearly made trains and the stupid weekend local!) today down to the East Village to Mary Help of Christians church, I wondered if I would find it shut down, having to add it to my growing list of "CLOSED" churches. There was no answer at the phone number I found listed, no website -- nothing.

I visited here a few weeks ago on Ash Wednesday and it appeared all but boarded up. It was dreary that day in front of the church as I wandered around looking for some sign of life - eerily similar to what I found at Our Lady of Vilnius.

The sign listing Mass times read that Sunday Mass was at 10am, and at 11:30am in Spanish so I decided to come back to see. My little bit of research yielded that this church is nearly shut down, operated now by Immaculate Conception church on 14th street. But I didn't know for sure, didn't know what to expect.

Arriving at 440 East 12th street this morning, I found one of the front doors slightly ajar and wandered in. There was life after all! I was a few minutes late (of course,) so I walked in during the tail end of the sermon.

There was about 15 parishioners gathered (such a small number, the church seemed so empty - as if it was every bit on its way to being closed.) But it was bright, the Mass was said, and I was happy to be in attendance, happy to find this church still open, and not shuttered to the world, to those of us seekers needing a house of solace and a place of prayer, especially those living in the neighborhood. I have a feeling if I had attended the 11:30am Spanish Mass I might have found a larger, livelier crowd, a true Celebration.

A parishioner walking out of the church the same time as me today told me, "this church is just barely being kept alive."

My girlfriend and I visited Lady Liberty yesterday, even went inside her head. It was fantastic. Before yesterday I had only ever seen the statue as close as the Staten Island Ferry would allow, and now have finally realized a childhood fantasy of ascending those 354 steps to the crown. Its an amazing place in there, and reaching the top we found, not an over-tourist-populated hell, but a calm, peaceful place above the New York Harbor in which we could take everything in. The National Park rangers that run the place were all incredibly kind and informative (during the day we interacted with at least 6-7 of them and they were all so nice.) If you plan a trip to Liberty Island, you must visit the crown (if you can handle the stairs.) Tickets can be purchased in advance here.

We've had a good week together. The transition is becoming easier. If we are at peace and can be good to one another I know this is a relationship that will be deep and meaningful and good for both of us, as well as the rest of the world. And one I hope will last a very very long time.

84. St. Emeric (CLOSED) - Chapel of the Most Blessed Sacrament (Open)

(updated 07/30/2014)
Thanks so much to the below comment from Paul Armesto informing me that this church of St. Emeric has now been combined with the old/new church of St. Brigid to now be formally called the Church of St. Brigid-St. Emeric. That new parish is now located at 119 Avenue B, 646.476.5617. It seems as though there is a chapel still located at St. Emeric's with adoration at the times below. One day I will visit the new parish and make one last, official, 97th post, but for now here are the Mass times of the new parish of St. Brigid-St. Emeric:
(mass times & church info last updated 03/08/2016) 

Weekend Mass Times:

Sat: 6pm (English)
Sun: 10am (English), 11:30am (Spanish)

Weekday Mass Times:

Mon, Wed, Thu: 9am (English)
Tue: 7pm (Spanish)
Fri: 9am (English), 6pm (Spanish)

CHAPEL OF THE MOST BLESSED SACRAMENT AT ST. EMERIC'S CHURCH: 
(adoration times & church info last updated 07/30/2014
UPDATED 3/8/2016: Can't find any new info on the adoration times, you should call them before visiting to make sure.)
Address: 185 Ave. D (@ E. 12 St.)
Phone: 212.228.4494
Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament:
Mon-Fri: 9am-9pm
Sat: 9am-5pm
Sun: 9am-2pm
Nocturnal Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament:
Fridays 9pm - Saturday 6am
Links:
Official Website
St. Emeric of Hungary

(The below post is from January 2010 when I ventured to the then parish of St. Emeric, before it was combined with St. Brigid.)

BAPTISM OF OUR LORD

Somewhere in Alphabet City, on a dead end of Avenue D, sits the church of St. Emeric, found amidst the factory area of the lower east side, dropped in the middle of industrial smokestacks and a neighborhood - the last outpost between the city and the east river. The smokestacks spill out pure white sinister clouds on this sunny, cold Sunday morning, and this whole neighborhood feels like a strange distant land to me - even though my home is only eight or nine miles away.


I was happy to find this outpost, as that is what it felt like until I actually entered the church. It's funny, this trek, which brings me to all these places I've merely located on a map, that remain just that - points on a map - until I actually make the visits there. I'm always ecstatic to finally find them, to see what's there. Sometimes I am happy, pleasantly surprised by what I find - some kind of special place to have witnessed, and sometimes the churches are merely churches, not much else than simple basic points of interest that remain marks, insignificant, in my mind.

St. Emeric had something going for it though, especially the 10am youth Mass I attended this morning. Mistaken, I thought I'd be arriving late for a 9:30am Mass but found myself instead twenty minutes early for the 10am. Those twenty minutes revealed something so important to me - a kind of energy and excitement in the air, an electricity, like that you would witness before a big show or rock concert. The growing congregation was excited, and seemed to look so forward to what was to come. By the time Mass began, the church was nearly full. It was a good place to be for Mass, and everyone was quite into it.



Though the new year has brought with it new joys and fresh hope and much to look forward to, and I overall feel very positive about 2010, there is something not quite right with my chi lately. I'm off, somehow. My impatience grows. I find myself moreover angry all the time - and this is certainly not how it used to be with me. I'm short with people - my friends and family. Strangers set me off. Crowds on the street. Traffic. The trains. Everything. A mere symptom of simply intaking too much Curb Your Enthusiasm lately, or a growing trait of my personality?

Though I feel good about this year, there is something I'm still missing. So angry. So scared.

God help me.

Additional images:

81. Our Lady of the Scapular & St. Stephen (CLOSED)

NOTE: In 2015 this church closed down and was merged into the Church of Our Savior and the Chapel of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus and Mary as part of the Archdiocese of New York's great closings & mergers of 2015. Only Our Savior and the Sacred Hearts Chapel will remain open for regular Masses and other events. This combined parish is now called the Parish of Our Saviour, Saint Stephen and Our Lady of the Scapular, and the Chapel of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus and Mary.

(church info last updated 03/31/2016)
Address: 151 E. 28th St.
Church Constructed: 1866

Links:
Chapel of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus & Mary (associated Chapel)
About the Organ
NYC Architecture
Sacred Places
Holy Art to God
Will It Ever Be A Landmark? (Gotham Gazette)

FIRST SUNDAY OF ADVENT

This church is deceiving, appearing fairly small from the outside, but upon entering you realize it's big, going on and on beyond the altar which is set more towards the middle of the church. Beyond the altar are a few small chapels, statues and shrines. Good, small quiet places for prayer. The church is well lit, dramatically so, and the many art, paintings and sculpture around the building are highlighted.

"The Church of Our Lady of the Scapular of Mount Carmel was founded in 1889, and was located in a Country Gothic building at 341 East 28th Street. Our Lady of the Scapular was merged into St. Stephen's Church in the 1980s, and the original building was razed. In January 2007, the Archdiocese of New York announced that the Church of the Sacred Hearts of Mary and Jesus, located at 307 East 33rd Street, would be merged into Our Lady of the Scapular-St. Stephen Church." (From nycago.org's NYC Organ Project webpages)

The Gospel this week was simple and to the point (Luke, 21:25-28, 34-36):

"Jesus said to his disciples:
“There will be signs in the sun, the moon, and the stars,
and on earth nations will be in dismay,
perplexed by the roaring of the sea and the waves.
People will die of fright
in anticipation of what is coming upon the world,
for the powers of the heavens will be shaken.
And then they will see the Son of Man
coming in a cloud with power and great glory.
But when these signs begin to happen,
stand erect and raise your heads
because your redemption is at hand.”

“Beware that your hearts do not become drowsy
from carousing and drunkenness
and the anxieties of daily life,
and that day catch you by surprise like a trap.
For that day will assault everyone
who lives on the face of the earth.
Be vigilant at all times
and pray that you have the strength
to escape the tribulations that are imminent
and to stand before the Son of Man.”

I need to quiet my own carousing and drunkeness and to prepare for what is to coming.

A friend invited me to one of those expensive midtown bars last night, pricey cocktails, atmosphere, possible celebrities. Couldn't wear jeans, jacket a must. I didn't go. I don't want to dress up anymore. I want to stay uptown, hide up here, grow a beard, pray.

I've been taking great long walks in the mornings and going to daily Mass at a few of the uptown churches. It's a good way for me to begin each day. It calms me. Come 9am, though, it's all very anticlimactic, the world is grim again and there's nothing to look forward to save my job, that lately I dislike so much. I've been looking into career changes, but there is nothing immediate. I realize I am in a position and an industry in which I truly do not belong. I'm a feeling person in a cold pointless position, working, performing tasks that ultimately enable other cold pointless industries to thrive and go on to enable other industries, and so on. For me, its a path to and of nothingness. And I want out. But truly, I'm at a loss, not knowing what to do next.

Still reading The Life You Save May Be Your Own; some of the adventures of those four Catholic pilgrims I relate to so directly:

Merton, in Rome...
"By day he went to churches, over and over. 'And thus without knowing anything about it I became a pilgrim. I was unconsciously and unintentionally visiting the great shrines of Rome, and seeking out their sanctuaries with some of the avidity and desire of a true pilgrim, though not quite for the right reason.'" (33)

Day, in Manhattan...
"She had rented rooms from some friends on Fourteenth Street so as to be near the Church of Our Lady of Guadalupe, where she liked to worship-a small Mexican church between Seventh and Eight avenues, no wider or grander than an old railroad flat." (63)

Merton, in Manhattan...
"His hell was Cambridge, but his Sodom is New York. For him as for Day, Manhattan will be, first of all, a rebel's paradise, a place of sin and temptation, against which he will rebel in turn by becoming religious. And yet for him, as for her, the firsthand experience of New York, of its legendary excesses and waywardness, will lend authority to his renunciation of it. Because he seems to relish the lost life as he describes it, his conversion seems authentic. (73-74)

He went to Sunday Mass at Corpus Christi, a small, bright church off upper Broadway past the Columbia campus...He was surprised by what he saw. The church was full of people, which amazed him. A few pews ahead, a beautiful girl knelt and prayed, oblivious of all else, and her beauty and piety put together amazed him, too...The priest gave the sermon, and it was convincing. It sounded like the word of God. 'For behind those words you felt the full force not only of Scripture but of centuries of a unified and continuous and consistent tradition.' (90-91)

He began a regimen of round-the-clock religious devotion: Sunday Mass at St. Joseph's on Sixth Avenue, weekday Mass at St. Francis of Assisi near Penn Station or Our Lady of Guadalupe on Fourteenth Street, a few hours' reading in the Summa in the Columbia library, followed by the Stations of the Cross at Corpus Christi Church or the Church of Notre Dame on Morningside Drive... (98)

In 1937, the Metropolitan Museum of Art opened a museum of medieval art. The Cloisters, as it is called, was like no other museum in America: an odd and remote outpost compounded from the ruins of several disused European monasteries-chapels, cloisters, stained-glass windows-which had been taken apart stone by stone, shipped across the ocean, and put together on a bluff in uptown Manhattan as a New World meta-monastery.

Thomas Merton went to the Cloisters on a date one Sunday the summer after it opened, then returned by himself later in the year. Looking back, he described those visits as the happiest days he spent in New York -happier it seems, than the days he spent in actual churches." (95-96)

Things with my girlfriend are good, despite those fears I experienced out west. There is a strong connection and potential for so much love. She's thinking of moving here next year - a possibility I'm excited for. Not a Catholic, and very much against organized religion (can't much disagree with her there, based on all the very stupid, hypocritical and detrimental acts so many religions are responsible for,) she has a lot of different ideas and thoughts on God than I do. For starters, she doesn't necessarily believe in God, but does admit to believing that there is something greater than us. My first reactive thought is that people are pompous who say they "do not believe in God." Putting more thought into it, and reading Merton's experience, my thought changes to, how pompous of any of us down here to think they know the idea and concept of God so fully.

"In the book [The Spirit of Medieval Philosophy], by his own account, he found a conception of God that he thought plausible and appealing. This God was not a Jehovah or a divine lawgiver, not a plague-sending potentate or a scourge of prophets, not the heavenly Father of Jesus Christ or the stern Judge waiting just past the gate at the end of time, but the vital animating principle of reality - "pure act," being itself or per se, existence in perfection, outside space and time, transcending all human imagery, calmly, steadily, eternally being. 'What a relief it was for me, now,' he recalled, 'to discover not only that no idea of ours, let alone any image, could adequately represent God, but also that we should not allow ourselves to be satisfied with any such knowledge of Him.'" (80-81)

80. Chapel of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus & Mary (Now the Parish of Our Saviour, Saint Stephen and Our Lady of the Scapular, and the Chapel of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus and Mary)

NOTE: In 2015 this church merged with two churches: Our Lady of the Scapular & St. Stephen Church and the Church of Our Saviour as part of the Archdiocese of New York's great closings & mergers of 2015. Only this chapel and Our Savior will remain open for regular Masses and other events. This combined parish is now called the Parish of Our Saviour, Saint Stephen and Our Lady of the Scapular, and the Chapel of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus and Mary. 

(mass times & church info last updated 03/31/2016)
Address: 325 E. 33rd St.
Phone: 212.213.6027
Weekend Mass Times: 
Sun: 12:45pm, 5:30pm (both English)
Weekday Mass Times: 
Mon-Fri: 12:15pm (English)
Confession:
Sun: 5pm-5:15pm
Church Constructed: 2009? (forgive me if I'm mistaken)
Links:
Official Website
Chapel History

Church of Our Lady of the Scapular & St. Stephen (associated Church)
Congegration of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus and Mary

This chapel is so far on the east side, why does anyone live all the way over there?

My thought, as I headed down 33rd this evening towards the Chapel of the Sacred Hearts of Jesus & Mary, and, finally arriving, I looked inside the chapel through it's great south windows, walking closer, peering inside, I witnessed a great congregation gathering for the Sunday 5:30pm Mass. It must happen every Sunday, and it was nice to see a mixed crowd, all ages, various types, lots of different people.

The priest gave a good sermon about living in the moment, living within and being inside each breath you take to be present in the Lord's graces and be in the moment, ready for God. It was direct and to the (and such a good) point. Ironically, I felt very out of the moment this evening. Why are things so off sometimes?

more...

Additionally, there was a special announcement at the end of Mass, and an insert in the bulletin, about the U.S. Catholic Bishop's response to the Heath Care reform that had just passed the House. There are some fundamental sacredness of life issues presently in the bill that conflict with standard Catholic teachings concerning public funding for abortion, and care for the poor and immigrants. As United States Catholics, the Bishops urge us to speak out to our senators, politicians, lawmakers who are also our fellow human beings.

One can go here: www.usccb.org/action to lodge an automatic online request to your senators.

more...

Recently I was in a cafe with a good friend, 0ne of my closest, a fellow Christian who's a protestant. We were speaking about sin and repentance and forgiveness (pretty light, huh?) They told me that even though through their faith they know that when their sins are forgiven by God, they still feel a need to admit aloud what they have done and that they wish their church had something similar to confession as the Catholic church has.

I was struck suddenly by the sweetness of the Church's seven sacraments (specifically Reconciliation) and what it means for Catholics. These are gifts we have as Catholics that simply do not exist in other branches and sects of Christianity, and we (and I mean I here, but perhaps you feel the same) should cease taking these things for granted. We all sin down here, there is no way around - but the fact we are able to walk into the confessional and admit to God's servant our wrongdoings, and be blessed and absolved in person in a very real way, materializes for us the wondrous abstraction that is God's constant and eternal forgiveness of our very real sins.

It has given me a new realization of my Catholic faith and I now, very soon, I gots to get me to a confessional.

I've begun reading Paul Elie's book, The Life You Save May Be Your Own, which focuses on the spiritual pilgrimages of Thomas Merton, Dorothy Day, Flannery O'Connor and Walker Percy. Thus far I am especially connecting with Dorothy Day's journey, in New York, and her visits to Manhattan churches. This may begin happening in the next few following posts, my sharing excerpts about Day's thoughts on NYC from Elie's book:

"Mornings she would set out on the streets of lower Manhattan...'In all that great city of seven millions, I found no friends, I had no work; I was separated from my fellows. Silence in the midst of city noises oppressed me. My own silence, the feeling that I had no one to talk to overwhelmed me so that my very throat was constricted; my heart was heavy with unuttered thoughts; I wanted to weep my loneliness away...
So it was at dawn, going home, she found herself stopping at St. Joseph's Church on Sixth Avenue, not far from Hell Hole, thinking it inevitable that 'sooner or later I would have to pause in the mad rush of living and remember my first beginning and my last end...'St. Joseph's is the oldest Catholic church in Manhattan, low and square, with fieldstone walls, high white pillars, and a portico topped by a cross that stands out starkly against the sky. It is a kind of house blend of old and new, of city and country, of Catholic Europe and leatherstocking America...
All her life she had been haunted by God. God was behind her. God loomed before her. Now she felt hounded toward Him, as though toward home; now she longed for an end to the wavering life in which she was caught...
For the time being, she began to pray...'God, be merciful to me, a sinner.'"

(pages 16, 28-29)

78. Church of the Immaculate Conception

(mass times & church info last updated 03/23/2016)
Address: 414 E. 14th St.
Phone: 212.254.0200
Weekend Mass Times: 
Sat: 4pm, 5:30pm (both English)
Sun: 8:30am (English), 10am (English, Folk music, Sign Language Interpreted), 11:15am (English, choir), 12:30pm (English), 2pm (Spanish), 5:30pm (English, Young Adult)
Weekday Mass Times: 
Mon-Fri: 7:15am, 9am, 12:10pm, 5:30pm (all English)
Sat: 8:30am, 12:10pm (both English)
Confession: Sat: 11:30am-12pm, 4:30pm-5:30pm
Rosary:
Mon-Fri: 5:10pm and following the 9am & 12:10pm Masses
Evening Prayer: Mondays 6pm
Our Lady of Perpetual Help Novena: Wednesdays 6pm
Church Constructed: 1896
Links:
Official Website
What is the "Immaculate Conception?"

HALLOWEEN
SATURDAY DAILY MASS

Looking for an apartment in this fucking city is just about one of the craziest, most stressful, sometimes ludicrous, often ridiculous, and unmistakably pain-in-the-ass experiences of one's lifetime and I've found myself in the last 2 weeks doing it for the third time in as many years. It's so hard to tell if the brokers out there are good or bad people, because more often than not, at my financial range, they are hawking shoddy merchandise at unbelievable prices - even in today's "renter's market."

I am an indecisive person by nature, so something like this is drawn out all the more terribly than it already is, and, in my first solo search for a one bedroom dwelling, I find myself torn between two places - the big place up in Inwood, by the parks, with all the trees, kind of old, may or may not have pest problems vs. the smaller, renovated, next to more places (restaurants and stores) apartment in a great part of Washington Heights. Why am I such an uptown guy? Because I am priced out of most of the rest of the island and work north of the city? Probably yes, that's it. Bingo.

And so reaching the brink of my indecision, I call my girlfriend and then my parents, looking for the light. Just talking things through helps so much. Asked for advice, asked for prayers, and received a little peace of mind, mostly knowing I have such good support from both.

Still, I'm weighing the odds, and praying I choose the right place.

Here's what The Spiritual Traveler says about Immaculate Conception Church,

"Immaculate Conception Roman Catholic Church was built by Grace Church as an Episcopalian chapel and social service center in what was then a poor immigrant neighborhood. Today we see only half of what this complex once was, but it still resembles a medieval urban church, looking after tbe spiritual, educational, and physical needs of its parish. The style of the building is late-Gothic or early-Renaissance French, featuring a bold tower on 14th Street, a church, and a small chapel...The Roman Catholic Church bought this property in 1943. The belief in the Immaculate Conception - that Mary was born without sin - was proclaimed Roman Catholic dogma in 1854."

The Saturday 12:10pm Mass was nice here today, and well attended. This is a peaceful church and there is an outdoor grotto area I spent some time in afterward. Though my mind was preoccupied with my apartment search, this was a calming place to be and prayer came easy.

Unfortunately, this is another New York church covered in scaffolding for the time being, so I was unable to get any shots of the exterior. But within the walls and outside in the grotto were all beautiful enough for an overcast Saturday.


Later on I went to a friend's birthday gathering in a dark basement bar in the financial district, followed by heading to Greenpoint for a Halloween party. I should have just gone home after the financial district. I still can't seem to control myself and continue "finding myself in situations," not knowing how I ended up there. So I wandered around Greenpoint and somehow miraculously made it back home later in the night. Still so reckless and directionless...


An aside, if you're ever in this area visiting this church, two great bars on this street come to mind...

O'Hanlons...


...and the Crocodile Lounge (free pizzas.)

75. St. John the Martyr (CLOSED)

NOTE: In 2015 this church closed down and was merged into the churches of St. John Nepomucene and St. Frances Xavier Cabrini (Roosevelt Island) as part of the Archdiocese of New York's great closings & mergers of 2015. Only St. John Nepomucene and St. Frances Xavier Cabrini will remain open for regular Masses and other events. This combined parish of East River Catholic churches is called the Church of St. John Nepomucene, St. Frances Xavier Cabrini & St. John the Martyr. (PS - I'm sad this church closed as I thought it was really beautiful and it was a very comfortable and safe sanctuary against the sometimes ugliness of the city. If, in fact, this church isn't closed, or you know more about whether it remains open or not, please leave a note in the comments section below.)

(church info last updated 04/08/2016)
Address: 250 E. 72nd St. (@ 2nd Ave.)
Phone: 212.744.4880
Church Constructed: 1888
Links:
"When was it built and who designed it?"
Martyrdom of St. John the Baptist

SATURDAY DAILY MASS

I'm so distracted lately. I feel in the past that I visited these churches with zeal and intensity, and as of today, not as much. I think I just have a lot on my mind - basically all the job/employment hogwash I've been bitching about. It's as if I cannot really enjoy all the parts of my life, because one main part of my life, my job, isn't what I want. I was telling my friend last night that I've realized I'm not the type of person that tends to drink when sad or depressed, but actually only enjoys drinking when things are going mostly overall well - more of a celebratory drunk. So, as of now, I'm not enjoying any extracurricular activities as much recently because that other part of my life (employment!) just doesn't feel right any more, doesn't feel good, I'm not settled, not happy with it. I've got to become more focused on my job search, and thus my life.

All that being said, this church, St. John the Martyr on the east side, is an absolutely awesome little church, and it was a great church to attend Mass in - comfortable, cozy and just a good feeling. I think I was too caught up in the stupid business of my mind to enjoy it at the time, but looking back on the experience and these pictures it was great to be there. The building was constructed as the chapel of part of a larger Presbyterian church in 1888 and was taken over by a Catholic parish in 1904. There are some nice little artistic details to be found on the exterior, above the altar, on the door and other little places you look.


A thought, real quick, something my friend in L.A. asked me recently when we were discussing a a sick family member and all the many prayers being offered for their healing: "What about the people out there in the world who have no one to pray for them? Does God watch over them, does God help them, or are they destined to suffer because they either know no one or those they know do not pray?"

Perhaps someone out there can help offer a better response than I did, which was basically: God and the saints reserve a special place for these folks in their thoughts, gifts and graces since those people are, in a prayerful sense, alone down here. I also offered that there are whole congregations and holy orders that say special intentions for those that have no one to pray for them. And also that I, and we as spiritual people, should offer up prayers to those who have no one to pray for them.

I meant to work more on my resume and job search today than I have, but I eventually became too consumed in all the many escapes of life. It seems like this always happens to me. Distractions and disruptions and then I'm back to where I've begun.