Oh blunder of my lifetime! And though I have many blunders already underfoot in my near thirty years, this is surely the biggest and most serious - can I be forgiven this? Turning alcohol (a poison) into a false god and women into nothing but mortal goddesses whom I worship and use and discard like so many of the fallen faithful of this age.
For my thoughts and actions have provided nothing but sin and the effects that come with it. In women I have found no true love because that is not for what I search - I am merely attempting to claim some prize or trying to win some game I fooled myself into believing was out there, that I was playing and could win.
Alcohol is merely killing me.
But God - with God there is no game, no ill actions, no going through the movements and (to a believer) certainly no death.
I wish to delete that blog entry but I'm not going to. It is evidence of my mortal humanity and my sin, my base existence as a contrived and contriving individual. It is indeliable evidence that though sometimes favored with brief enlightments I am utterly wrong and ill-informed about most things - caught up in the illusions of the disillusionment of this world and wrong wrong wrong to ever suggest God and alcohol and my love interest should ever be writ about on the same page, let alone the same line.
But God - with God there is no game, no ill actions, no going through the movements and (to a believer) certainly no death.
I wish to delete that blog entry but I'm not going to. It is evidence of my mortal humanity and my sin, my base existence as a contrived and contriving individual. It is indeliable evidence that though sometimes favored with brief enlightments I am utterly wrong and ill-informed about most things - caught up in the illusions of the disillusionment of this world and wrong wrong wrong to ever suggest God and alcohol and my love interest should ever be writ about on the same page, let alone the same line.
My God, I am sorry.
So I'm going to be brutally honest - at this point, booze and, to a lesser extent, women are the great loves of your life. I believe you really desire to love God and insofar as possible you do. But love isn't a feeling. It isn't even a strong desire or attachment. Love is action, lived choice - and idols take over and rob you of the ability to act, to choose. The god, booze leaves little room for God.
ReplyDeleteBut He's tugging at you. And I'm so grateful. Acknowledging that you have idols isn't a sin - it's a call to seek healing. Be repulsed by them and ask God to grant you the strength to relinquish them.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
(By the way, you can stop drinking but the issue w/ women - giving them up is something only men w/ healthy relationships w/ them are allowed to do.)
Gotta say, as a woman I am extremely offended that you just labeled women as a "vice"! You won me over with that first comment of yours, which you flagellate yourself over now -- it was witty, cute, and off the cuff -- don't be so dramatic!
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I think it's very interesting how inner turmoil and personal confession and reconciliation now take place on public forums like blogs. I see the fact that you wrote this "Supplemental" as more distasteful than your original "blunder."
Just my two cents. Relax, dude. Pray and trust God. You don't have to answer to anyone but Him.
Perhaps the world has forgotten to ask God for forgiveness and mistakenly seeks it out on the world wide web instead. I'll have to remember not to let this blog become my surrogate confessor, though I do enjoy it as an outlet, as well as a record keeper of my excursions.
ReplyDelete